so... here's what I wish.

I want to talk to my nerdy friends. You know, about funny memes and photoshopped My Little Pony FIM pictures and using pacman smilies and bb code end tags at the end of chunks of paragraphs of text.

Oh wait.

Just got one friend that does all of those.

Multiple friends are also nice.

But seriously, yo.

Have you ever had a friend that was like one of your best friends, and you had your own little language for IM-ing each other, but then the friendship became awkward because of feelings... and another person enters the picture in your life, making conversation with the initial friend overly awkward. And making you feel guilty for even talking to that friend anymore, even though you didn't talk as much as you used to before that person became a big part of your life.

Sense of that run on story: it makes none.

The real message here: I don't feel guilty talking to that friend as much anymore, but that friend doesn't really want to talk to me. If they do, they sure as hell don't know what to talk about.

Also, not really holding anymore hope for current end of relationship situation I have. I've kind of accepted it. I'd gradually been questioning the relationship over time anyway... I'm sad. He's a great guy. He has a lot that went wrong for him. I wish it hadn't. If it hadn't, we probably wouldn't have been together. But he's facing problems in his life that most 21 year olds that I know never have had to face. Just because of a few mistakes adding up.

I think I wish I loved him more. I wanted to love him more. But I didn't. I am ashamed of... well, losing such a big part of myself to him. It was a very quick yet wildly romantic love, but not the kind that lasts a lifetime. It was nice while it lasted. I don't know what will come from here, but I don't want to think about it. I don't want to get into a rebound relationship coming out of another rebound relationship...

Let's be honest, that's what it was.

Have you ever met someone that made a great lover but you had trouble seeing your future with them for the longest time? It took me a long time to begin to really start to believe that he and I could have a future. I just feel weird that I shared so much of myself with a person I had been dating for 5 months. It's the shortest relationship I've ever been in. And now, I feel free to cuddle with Benny and wear perfume I bought at a mall last summer. I want to move on, but I feel guilty being able to so quickly. So I choose to not.

I think I love him, but in a different way. I care about him.

He still has my old laptop. I'm not going to make him give it back to me any time soon, but he can't keep it for the rest of his life. I'm going to let him use it until he needs it.

I still don't understand why he came to the conclusion that he did. I think he's torturing himself by doing it. He seems more upset than I am. I hope that things get better for him. I wish I was able to help, but by no means am I obligated to help him.

*sigh*... bummed out. :/